In the intricate dance of relationships, there are moments when exchanges become crossed or missed, unwittingly pulling us into what’s aptly termed the ‘Drama Triangle’ This triangle draws people into the roles of the Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer. It’s an unhelpful dynamic that can unfold at times of stress. It perpetuates conflict and hampers genuine communication. It's startling how easily we can fall into this cycle, driven by big emotions and negative coping mechanisms such as distancing, defensiveness, getting hung up on who’s right- who’s wrong, or adopting a victim mentality.
Renowned therapist Terry Real offers a perspective that can act as a compass to navigate these tumultuous waters. He emphasises that when a partner is unhappy, the path to repair lies in a unilateral experience—a journey where we set aside our perspective to wholeheartedly attend to our partner's distress with compassion. He stresses, “It's not a moment for debates or asserting the 'truth' ,but an opportunity to be present and empathetic”
I want to acknowledge that this path is strenuous because many of us weren't nurtured to embrace our feelings or taught effective ways to repair relationships, so we’ve not had an experience of safety in vulnerability. Therefore, taking up this mantle requires courage. One of the initial and pivotal steps in this transformative journey is to PAUSE: When faced with challenging interactions or disagreements, try to pause and observe your immediate internal reaction (make an excuse and leave the room if you need to) RECOGNISE: the urge to deny or defend, and consciously work on suppressing it, or moving past it. Try to dig in to your highest sense of humility and care.
FOCUS: on calming and soothing yourself. In this moment, you can witness a remarkable transition of shedding the armour of grandiosity and embracing your current 'adult' self, who is resilient enough to stand tall and be present for your partner in their distress. Goodness knows it’s hard, but this is the bit I LOVE: It's a shift toward being available, compassionate, and connected.
I want to offer that by choosing this approach, you have nothing to lose. Rather, you gain a chance to sidestep prolonged periods of withdrawal or the dreaded silent treatment! Connecting with your 'adult' self fosters connection not only with your partner but also with your own emotions and needs.
This process is commendable and entirely within reach because you’re not actually required to say much. It’s unlikely your partner will welcome solutions (please listen up here guys) but way more likely that they’ll want you to hold onto your self, so you can stay open to their experience, and they don’t need to worry about yours.
If you step into this process it has the power to transform relationships with newfound understanding, compassion, and profound connection. It's about steady progress, sometimes ‘falling forward’ not perfection—every step counts. Good luck, and let me know how it goes!