The Challenge and Importance of Apologising:

Apology isn't always easy for sure; in fact, it can be one of the most challenging things we do in our relationships. It requires us to confront our mistakes, set aside our pride, and show vulnerability.

It's because it's difficult that sincere apologies hold such relational importance. Apologies are the glue that holds relationships together when they are strained by misunderstandings, hurt feelings, or conflicts. They serve as a powerful reminder that we value our connection with our loved ones more than our ego.

When we muster the courage to apologise sincerely, we're actually communicating that the relationship is more important than being right, and that when things inevitably go wrong in future, we're working through this together, and we're still loved. In essence, apologising can be seen as a courageous act of love and empathy. It demonstrates our commitment to understanding, healing, and growing together. It is through these sincere acts of apology that we fortify the bonds with our children, partners, friends, colleagues, creating a foundation of trust, respect, and resilience that can weather the storms of life. So, while apologising may be challenging, it is vital for the health and longevity of our most precious relationships.

 

The Art of Repair: Why Apology Matters More Than Perfection” A Personal Account:

Confession time: I find apologising in my close relationships really hard. I’m better than I used to be, but it’s definitely a work-in-progress. Sometimes the words stick in my throat, and other times I dress them up so much they don’t really sound like an apology at all.

Part of this, I’ve realised, comes from being a recovering people-pleaser. My old method was simple: if I kept everyone else happy, then surely they’d like me (whether I actually liked them or not!). It wasn’t a flaw so much as a clever survival strategy I stumbled into as a child.

Like many kids, I grew up being told to be kind, polite, obedient — all the things that keep adults smiling and life running smoothly. The hidden message? That other people’s needs mattered more than mine. And as children, we don’t exactly have the power to feed, clothe, or protect ourselves, so of course we keep the adults around us happy. That’s how we stay safe.

The challenge comes when we carry that same strategy into adulthood. Suddenly, we’re saying “yes” when everything inside us wants to say “no.” We forget that we do have agency now, that we’re mostly safe to speak up, and that conflict doesn’t automatically mean danger.

For me, people-pleasing meant I worked overtime to avoid getting things wrong. If I could keep others from being disappointed, then I wouldn’t have to feel the shame of a “mistake.” But here’s the catch: when you spend all your energy trying not to mess up, you miss out on practicing one of the most important skills in relationships — the art of repair.

The Lesson I Learned in Couple Therapy

One of the biggest “aha” moments came during couple therapy with my husband. For years I secretly wished he would just know what I needed — that he’d anticipate it perfectly without me having to spell it out. But here’s the truth: he can’t read my mind (and honestly, I’m glad he can’t, because my inner world is chaos sometimes!).

We both realised we’d been relying on “getting it right” to avoid conflict. That meant we were missing out on the real growth that comes when you don’t get it right. What I actually wanted was for him to feel safe enough to get it wrong, so we could practice repairing together. That’s where trust deepens — not in perfection, but in repair.

Harnessing the Tension

If you’re conflict-avoidant like us, you probably prefer Netflix and snacks to leaning into tricky conversations. I get it. But avoiding tension just makes it loom larger. Sometimes you have to harness that uncomfortable energy and step into it.

I love the work of therapist Terry Real (worth looking up if you don’t know him). He encourages couples to stop skating over the unsaid, to speak honestly about what we want — even when we’re not sure our partner will like it.

A Gentle Nudge to the Guys

I’m speaking directly to men here for a moment, because so many of the men I work with (and love personally) feel this: “I work hard, I don’t ask for much, and I’m still underappreciated.”

The problem usually isn’t effort — it’s where the effort is going. Men are often raised to be the protectors, the stoic ones, the fixers. So when their partner comes with a complaint (often rooted in carrying the weight of emotional labour — see Rose Hackman’s book on this), they hear it as a personal criticism. The instinct is to defend, fix, or quietly resent.

Here’s the great news: you don’t need to work harder, you just need to work differently. The magic ingredient? Curiosity.

An Apology Recipe (Feel Free to Tweak)

Here’s a simple framework you can experiment with. It’s not a script — more like a recipe you can adapt:

1. Stay with her experience. Don’t rush to explain yourself.

2. Say: “I’m sorry that happened. Do you want to tell me all about it?” (Only if you have time and energy in that moment — otherwise, name that you want to listen and set a time soon to come back to it.)

3. Pause before defending. Your reflex will be to justify — hold steady. Listen first.

4. Reflect back: “So what’s important to you here is…” Then check: “Have I understood? Is there more?”

5. Ask: “What could I do better for you next time?”

6. If it’s not about you, just acknowledge: “I hear how frustrating that was.” You don’t need to fix it.

7. Repair together. It might be as simple as a hug and reassurance. Personally, what I most need to hear is: “You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re a good and kind person. I love and appreciate you.” It’s simple, grounding, and way less effort for my husband than mind-reading.

Why This Works

The beauty of this approach is that it rejects the fantasy that partners should just know. We stop wasting energy trying to avoid mistakes and instead use mistakes as a chance to build safety, trust, and connection.

Apology isn’t about getting it right every time. It’s about showing up, listening, and repairing when we inevitably get it wrong. And honestly? That’s the heart of real love.