Understanding Desire Discrepancy as Desire Differences

Desire discrepancy in relationships can be daunting, but understanding it is key to overcoming the challenges that arise. Research tells us that this is particularly relevant for male partners of women to understand as female desire and arousal is statistically more likely to be impacted by a range of factors, and so gaining insight into this topic is essential for nurturing a fulfilling partnership. In this blog post, we will explore the essence of desire discrepancy, its causes, and strategies for navigating these differences with compassion and care. There is no such thing as a normal amount of desire. That's why it's helpful to look at this in terms of differences: higher or lower, changeable and fluctuating, needing a different and flexible response to support loving connection and exploration - because it provides opportunity to work creatively, removes blame, and

What is Desire Discrepancy?

Desire discrepancy occurs when one partner's sexual desire differs significantly from the other's. This can be particularly notable when a woman experiences lower or different levels of sexual interest compared to her partner. According to a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour, approximately 30-40% of couples partner(?) report discrepancies in sexual desire. This common issue can lead to feelings of rejection, frustration, or confusion for both partners. Recognizing that variations in desire are typical in relationships can help lighten the emotional burden.

What it's not

Many folks tend to think there's something wrong with them or a partner if one seems to want more intimate interaction than the other. We've been largely led to believe that we're born and stuck with a level of sexual drive or 'libido' and that's us. Or it means our partner no longer finds us attractive. Many people also believe that if we love each other we should automatically feel sexually aroused by just being around them, or they 'should' keep a partner 'happy' by giving them 'what they want and deserve' regardless of what they want themselves. Apart from the fact that no one should be having sexual interaction they don't want, there is much evidence to suggest that 'giving in' to these interactions causes bigger problems way down the line.

The Roots of Desire Discrepancy

Desire discrepancies can arise from a range of biological, psychological, and relational factors.

Biological Factors

Several biological elements can affect a woman's sexual desire. Hormonal fluctuations throughout her menstrual cycle, during pregnancy, or as she approaches menopause can lead to changes which naturally impact desire. For example, research indicates that more than 50% of women report changes in sexual desire due to hormonal shifts related to their menstrual cycle. Additionally, certain medications—like antidepressants and some hormonal contraceptives—can negatively impact sexual desire, leading to further complications in relationships.

Psychological Factors

Mental health is closely linked to sexual desire. Issues such as stress, anxiety, and depression can lead to a reduced interest in sexual activities. A survey by the American Psychological Association found that nearly 70% of individuals experiencing anxiety reported a decrease in their sexual drive. With so many people being impacted by largely unavoidable factors, I think it makes sense to work together to create an environment where

each partner can feel ok about inviting and sharing their experience without blame or shame.

Relational Factors

The dynamics within a relationship significantly impact sexual desire. Elements such as emotional intimacy, communication styles, and unresolved conflicts can all serve as barriers to sexual connection. For instance, a study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that couples with a history of unresolved conflicts were 40% more likely to report sexual dissatisfaction. Partners are encouraged to nurture a supportive atmosphere where both individuals feel respected and valued.

Navigating Desire Discrepancy

Understanding desire discrepancy is only the beginning; effectively navigating it requires commitment and empathy from both partners. Here are a few practical strategies to help couples manage this challenge:

Open Communication

Open and honest dialogue is one of the most effective methods to address desire discrepancies. Partners should feel secure discussing their feelings, needs, and concerns without fear of judgment. This form of communication aids in understanding each other’s perspectives, fostering a deeper emotional bond.

Educate Yourselves

Gaining knowledge about sexual desire and its influencing factors can empower both partners. Engaging with educational resources—such as books, workshops, or professional counselling—can shed light on desire discrepancies and provide tools to cope with them. Couples who invest time in learning together can enhance their understanding of each other’s experiences.

Emily Nagoski's book Come as You Are is a great start for understanding desire and arousal for women.

Dr Karen Gurney also writes well about female desire in Mind The Gap.

Consider Non-Physical Activities

Instead of focusing on physical intimacy, consider engaging in non-sexual activities that can feel less intense and strengthen your emotional connection without the pressure of where things may or may not lead. This could include:

• Curious Communication: Spend quality time asking about your partner's feelings, thoughts, and experiences. Open dialogue can deepen your understanding of each other. When you're the one being curious, try hard not to offer feedback, fix or agree or disagree. Show that you're listening by acknowledging what seems to be the important parts to what they're saying: "so you're often left feeling solely responsible for things, and you'd like to feel more like a team. Did I get that right? Tell me more about what that's like for you. What's my part in that do you think?" You will need to hold onto yourself to stay curious and not get drawn into problem - solving, but the more you practise this, the easier it will become.

• Invite and Initiate Activities: Think of activities your partner might enjoy with you, and ask in an open, relaxed way that indicates clearly that you want to spend time with them: "Hey there's a band playing at our local that I think you might like. I'd really like to go there together and check it out"

• Shared Hobbies: Find activities you both enjoy. These could be really simple such as cooking something different together, going for a bike ride, or playing a game. This can create a fun and relaxed environment.

• Mindfulness Practices: Engage in activities like meditation or yoga together. This can promote relaxation and enhance your emotional bond.

• Outdoor Activities: Go for walks, hikes, plan a picnic. Being in nature can foster a sense of connection and well-being.

• Creative Projects: Work on a project together, like gardening or crafting, which can be fulfilling and rewarding.

Taking a break from physical intimacy can provide the space needed to explore what you both want and need in your relationship.

Seek Professional Help

If desire discrepancies lead to ongoing conflict, or stuck-ness, consulting with a therapist or counsellor can be advantageous. Professionals can offer guidance, facilitating discussions and helping couples explore their feelings, thus crafting strategies to improve their sexual relationship.

The Importance of Empathy

Empathy plays a vital role in addressing desire discrepancies. Partners can create an important initial shift by striving to understand each other’s feelings and experiences with compassion. Recognising that variations in desire are natural, not a reflection of them as a person, or their love or commitment. By approaching the situation with compassion, couples can create a safe space for vulnerability, leading to healing and stronger connections.

Moving Forward Together

Desire discrepancy is a common reality, especially for partners of women facing differences in sexual desire. By understanding the roots of this phenomenon and employing effective strategies for communication and intimacy, couples can navigate these differences with care and patience.

Remember, the key lies in open dialogue, education, and a willingness to embrace various forms of intimacy. Together, with understanding and empathy, partners can cultivate a loving and fulfilling relationship, no matter the differences in desire.